storming the silence...

...fare-well.

2005-04-13T21:31:00.000+08:00

it's just too much.
too tired of holding back.
excruciating pain radiates seamlessly.
a tattered heart's weary.
tears well up in his eyes;
yes, those dark brown eyes.
conquered by sadness.
then, deep in the night...
kneeling on a mattress..
engulfed in the eerie darkness.
sincere tears flow.
right from the crevices of his soul.
trying to forget.
but... it's too late.
++++
daylight.
yet, still hopeless.
searching happiness..
i found it in your eyes.
or so i thought.
for no matter what..
you never seemed to care.
never.
++++
now i knew...
that looking back at the laughter...
can make someone cry.
i'm missing you... like crazy.
++++
nevertheless...
i'm holding on.
that's the best i can do, anyway.
love you, or love you not...
i'll fall back to tears in the end.
i'm sorry.
what i can only say is, farewell...
----
hey, i learned something, two weeks back;
'goodbye is not the same as farewell'
what's the difference?
* farewell - derived from 'fare well' which means to do well
* goodbye - stresses the concept of leaving someone/thing
so i'm not saying goodbye.
----
if you might not know..
effective the day after next, i won't be posting anymore.
you might ask, why?
i felt that the last few entries were too articulated...
and i guess i said too much.
mind you, this web log is beginning to be a drama script.
so i'm stopping it at all costs...
..though i won't be deleting it.
this page will remain viewable for the generations to come. (hehe.)
and another thing:
this site is not dedicated to some 'very special someone' alone;
but to everyone who had been, in some way, a part of this passerby's walk.
*i'm not saying that it's not inspired by a 'very special someone', though.
----
well, all's well that ends well.
thank you all guys.
later i will be opening a new blogsite, anyway.
if you're still interested, click here.

the greatest thing i'll ever learn...

2005-04-04T19:44:00.000+08:00

all we need is love...
yes. love. the most enchanting thing existing in this damn world where we are.
and, mind you, the only sensible presence i feel now...
... or, do i?
to love.. and to be loved.. in return.
frankly, i did. but as of now... no one knows - not even i who speaks (or writes..)
alas. the past...
hey girl, i know... you might have reminded me of way back then...
but before you did so.....
i missed you already...
so i'll hold friends with you, good lady. please...
----
*snap back to reality*
two weeks.. right?
and counting... not a word.
'til when will i last this way?
until when can i swallow the pain, as day by day i see you...
still the lovely smiling face you always were?
why am i doing all these... by the way???
why not?
dare i take your time for someone else, for a little chat's sake?
as if you care, anyway!!!
well, i do.
don't ask why, you know fully well what i mean.
do i have to say it? not now. not just... yet.
need not worry, darling, (poetic license, everyone! no malice meant.) you'll never fail to make me smile every day.
am i the one silent? and the one who's supposed to bring in the chit-chat?
i hope you don't mind, that i put down in words...
how wonderful life is...
now you're in my world....

a pain in my neck

2005-03-31T19:16:00.000+08:00

"gabriel! ten laps, lahat ng strokes!"
i woke up to the stifled shoutings of my father.
he was outraged at the fact that i was just sleeping during the family reunion.
i had my reasons, however;
the other night i was black and blue all over the bed.
an irregular insomnia attack.
so i had to sleep; unfortunately i was not given my chance.
battling fatigue, i staggered to the shower room and gave in to the water.
a minute later i dived in the pool.
rising up, the rays of the sun aimed at my eyes.
that was when i realized that it was only about noontime.
for about fifteen minutes i continued my routine, going here, going back...
until i kicked at the wall awkwardly;
i screeched to a startling halt.
apparently, my father was sleeping this time around.
so i decided to stop the laps; i was almost finished, anyway.
--
monday morning.
a bright day. wonderful, looking for a great start.
yet i didn't get my wish.
facing the mirror (and to my disgust) there was a red blotch extending from one cheek to the other.
it's not the Mortel this time, however;
it was sunburn.
one thing's funny, though - it did not sear in pain... the way it was supposed to be. (thank God...)
but that was not the thing clearly seen.
and so i went to school.. all red.
red. mind you, i was bothered all day long by their taunts ang gibes...
yet, generally it was a nice day.... quiet, say.
[i'm sorry, mind's in a state of blankness.]

the goblet of red Mortel

2005-03-31T19:13:00.000+08:00

it was a friday night;
expecting nothing, i stared outside right by the window of a second-floor room.
about a few meters behind me, a glass door opened.
with it came a waft of burnt goat.
curiously, i stood up and went to the table.
mind you, it smelled good, but looked horrible.
bones of shank and rib were laid upon neatly on a tray.
sunned-up bones, that is.
yet, the temptation was too hard to resist, soi took a saucer, tore off a few chunks, and went to a smaller table.
in that table was seated three guys, all of them about 4 years older than i.
since that table was meant for four, i joined the fray.
in a few moments, i felt like being in a barhouse.
the guy who was facing me was offering a glass filled with red liquor.
that wine came from a bottle positioned in the middle.
the gold embossed words were sparkling right in my eyes: Mortel.
filled with vigor, i persuaded them to give me some of that liquid.
after a half-minute of debate, they gave in and handed me a glass half-full.
"wala namang mangyayari eh." i confidently told them all...
and gulped the liquid in a span of three seconds.
then the most funny thing happened -
something in my ribs was tickling my internal parts with rising heat;
rising heat... which formed a pinkish color up to my forehead.
next thing, they were doubled up in laughter.
the effect was instantaneous; i felt dazed.
"alis lang ako sandali, punta ako sa kabilang kwarto..." i addressed to the group.
"sige, sweet dreams!" said one, and laughed again.
walking about ten feet, i found a very neat sofa unoccupied.
so i sat down. immediately i was dissolved into darkness.
five hours later, someone was struggling to wake me up.
"hoy, uuwi na tayo!" said my father.
still dazed, i staggered to sit back again.
i had slept for five hours.
staring at my father, i saw my reflection in his spectacles...
...and a very noticeable pink tic in the cheek.

...or not to speak??

2005-03-24T19:22:00.000+08:00

"hmm.. tahimik lang ako."
yan ung sinabi ko nung may bumanat s knya..
"grabe, obsessed na ako sayo!"
(di ko alam kung 'sincere' siya dun... hehe!)
oo nga. kay tagal ko na ring hindi nagsasalita...
pero sa ngayon, siguro nga, di muna magbabago yun......
tpos mamaya maya, habang nggugupit aq ng scotch tape...
"...ayoko munang magmahal sa ngayon."
nagulat ako nung nasabi ko yan.
narinig nya kaya?
pero, hindi lang ako ang nagulat sa mga narinig ko.
kasi, nagsinungaling ako...
kaya't nanahimik nalang ako habang tinitiis ang sakit ng sariling gawa.
"gab, pakalikot ng cellphone!"
ayoko. "ayoko.. psensya.."
"ehhh bakit?? ikakamatay ko ba yung mga nakalagay dyan?"
"hindi. ikakamatay ko."
ewan ko kung seryoso ako....
pero ayoko talaga.
natuto na ko s gnun..
kasi yung huling nakabasa ng cellphone ko ay ung tatay ko.
andami rin nyang nalaman.
hindi sa hindi nya nagustuhan yung mga yun... pero nagulat siya.
hay. kalimutan na nga yun!
pero hindi ko pinabasa. bahala na...
naggugupit pa rin ako ng scotch tape...
nang nkita ko siyang lumapit sa kaibigan nya.....
tpos, parang humihikbi siya...
nalaman ko na lang na tama yung hinala ko.
basta. yung babaeng nakangiti kani-kanina lamang ngayon ay nagdaramdam.....
tapos ako, andun lang. nakatingin sa kanya.
nanghihina. nalungkot.
nakatitig lang. naisin mang lumapit, walang magawa.
tumayo ako. "noel, ikaw muna maggupit ng scotch tape..... pwede?"
pumayag siya. lumabas ako sa lugar na yon at sumandal sa may pintuan.
haay. ayoko siyang tignan.
di ko makaya yung sakit.
MAHAL KITA.
pero wala akong magawa.

to speak...

2005-03-22T21:30:00.000+08:00

"oy, sunduin mo nga yun pag nasa may gate na siya, ha!"
i was somewhere midway retelling "The Pit and The Pendulum" when someone approached me to tell of it.
suddenly there was a debate inside me.
of course you should.
"sige na nga." I returned the affirmative.
minutes later...
"gab! andun na siya!"
i had my qualms. bakit ako??
nevertheless i gave in and walked down the stairs.
we met somewhere in a corridor.
and, i felt aghast - she didn't look well. serioiusly.
at a loss of words, i blurted out: "ang aga nten ha..."
which was absolutely wrong in my opinion.
"hindi.. masama lang pakiramdam ko..."
"eh di, sana di ka na pumasok diba?"
ano ba gab... ayusin mo nga sarili mo! kahiya-hiya ka talaga!
"ehh... kelangan daw eh... ano nangyari sa pinoy? tsaka sa ap?"
"wala naman. first class natin physics..." as i tried to slow down, keeping with her pace.
yet i was struggling.
finally we reached the lab. standing in the doorway was the teacher...
acknowledging her presence, I raised my brow.
"parang nag-away kayo ha." the teacher said.
upon hearing, i eyed her willfully - "ha? hindi..."
whatever. i know something's wrong with me. any advice? (kidding..)
i fell silent immediately after.
something WAS wrong.
then a classmate asked me to recount all the tales blow-by-blow.
that i did, without the former enthusiasm, however.
the toll of that incident was shocking.
english time. i was like, late.
hastingly i took a seat, coincidentally, next to her.
not that it matters, anyway.
there was this essay-writing activity, about those short stories of e. a. poe.
it was quite easy - but what bothered me was the guy beside me.
"bakit ka nagmamaroon?" he asked.
i was nonplussed. "ano? anong maroon?"
then he wrote at a piece of paper: 'red + black = maroon'
i wasn't able to sink it in until i felt like warming up.
egad! how dense can i be?
"wehh!! hindi nga!" while gently rubbing my cheeks.
i only hoped that wasn't for real.
it's pretty embarrassing, though.
still, i don't know how to speak in front of her.
let alone get near her, say hello, initiate a small talk...
such small things which become too dynamic.
am i too proud... or too dense?

isang saglit na naman.

2005-03-19T23:11:00.000+08:00

"pass your papers!"
sa wakas.
ang mga katagang ito ni ma'am erpelo ang nagsilbing hudyat ng pagtatapos ng aming ikahuling markahang pagsusulit.
sa may armchair sa labas, ako'y huminga ng malalim.
tapos na rin!
bagamat hindi ito ang katapusan ng lahat (at sa katunayan ay simula pa lamang) kaming lahat ay, sa aming sariling pamamaraan, ay nagagalak sa pangyayaring ito.
kinuha ko ang cellphone sa kalaliman ng aking bag.
12:30 ang nakalagay sa orasan. ha! maaga pa.
ang paalam ko'y hanggang alas-kwatro ako sa paaralan. at dahil sa kalokohang sinadya ko sa aking orasan, noon ako'y may mga apat at kalahating oras pa para ako'y magsaya.
ngunit bago magsimula yaon ay lahat kami'y pinapasok sa silid.
tila ang liwanag ng lugar na iyon kanina. dahil paguusapan ang isang project, ako'y naupo sa armrest ng isang upuan sa may harapan.
habang inaayos ang agenda ng klase, may isang babae na dumaan sa harapan ko at umupo sa armchair kung saan ako'y nakapwesto sa armrest.
oo, nagulat ako, pero alam kong sa kanya wala lang yun.
mga dalawang linggo na ring ganun ang pakikitungo sa kanya, kaya siguro nasanay na kaming hindi nagpapansinan...
[masakit man sa kalooban ko, siguro nga ganun lang talaga.]
siguro mga dalawang minuto na rin kaming nakaupo doon at nakikinig nang..
"uy gab! andyan ka pala!" tingin niya sa akin.
"... hehe.. oo nga eh...." ang tanging nasagot ko.
oo nga eh. mas nauna pa akong umupo sayo dito diba? kung di mo man napansin, dibale na, naiintindihan kita.
"hay nako gab. di ka na namamansin. hmmp."
nga pala, sorry ha. pero kunwari makikiride ako:
"ha, ako ba?? uhmm.. sorry ha..."
"lagi mo na lang akong inaaway..."
"ano?? eh ano bang ginawa ko sayo?"
"wala... basta, di mo na ako kinakausap."
".. ah, eh... nahihiya nga kasi ako sayo!"
"eh bakit ka naman mahihiya sa akin?"
hindi na ako sumagot. kaysa namang sabihin kong...
"diba, kung mahal mo yung tao mahihiya ka sa kanya, kasi gusto mo yung gagawin mo laging tama, lalo na sa harap niya???"
buti na lang napigilan ko sarili ko.
"uy, alam mo ba, kahapon ko lang naubos yung toblerone mo."
"weh? hindi nga?!"
"oo. tinipid ko eh. tsaka hindi ako namigay."
"ganun ba?"
waw. napangiti na naman nya ako.
kahit na sa loob ko hindi ko alam kung tumitibok pa puso ko. waaaaaaa.......
mamaya-maya, tumayo na siya.
natapos na rin ang diskusyon.
umalis na ako. naglakad sa corridor, at tumungo sa kapitbahay na curie na mas malayo ng kaunting hakbang kaysa sa becquerel.
at doon ay nakasalubong ko ang isang kaibigan.
"uy gab! may nalaman ako..."
"ha? ano nanaman?"
"wala, joke lang yun."
di ako naniwala sa kanya....
kaya maya't maya ay tinanong ko siya. sa huli ay napilit ko rin..
"ikaw ha, kaya pala tinatanong mo sa akin kung may sama ng loob ka ba kay......"
"....ha? hindi... pinatanong lang niya yun!!"
"weh? talaga lang. hehe. yiiii....."
"bahala ka nga."
bakit ganun. lahat na lang ng sikreto ko hindi na sikreto. tsk tsk tsk.
sabagay, ano nga ba naman ang kailangan kong itago???
mga dalawang oras makalipas, nagppractice kami para sa variety show sa pinoy.
"ano ba yan gab... wala namang kabuhay-buhay!"
"hay nako. maiinlab siya sayo nyan pag ganyan ka!" sabay tawa.
nang mabanggit nya yun, nagisip kaagad ako ng sagot, at ito ang lumabas sa bibig ko:
"nako. hindi ako umaasa."
siguro yun lang ang tama kong nagawa kanina.
totoo yan. hindi ako umaasa. kung masaktan man, ayos lang.
hay nako. ang drama mo talaga gab.

nothing special, really.

2005-03-15T21:16:00.000+08:00

is life supposed to go roundabout in perfect circles?
if not, why is it an exact description to my way of living?
am i limited to the territorial lines which others have set right in front of me?
and, were they given the right to draw such boundaries?
am i a puppet, held by innumerable, invisible strings...
that every beat and breath is a suspicion sensed by their oversensitive noses?
am i not to be trusted?
do i look deceiving and criminal?
don't i have the capability to speak the truth, or hide it, for the least?
want me to be specific?
i fall in love.
i do have the right to choose who to fall for?
and, don't i have the right to choose the time i want to do something?
was the freedom of 'waiting' been taken away from me?
and, don't i have the privilege of doing what i feel is right to do?
wasn't i created with this liberal thing called 'free will'?
and, wasn't i set on earth for a purpose?
a destiny? a fate, i alone could dictate?
and isn't it my privilege to write all these..
and to show the wide world how awfully i feel???
does anyone think that i do not know how incoherent i state my opinions?
does anyone seem to think that i don't know how dumb i am when talking?
one day, try to see me and look straight at me in the eye.
after then, tell me: do i look like i'm joking, or perhaps, lying?
now, does anyone want to seclude me from the horrible world we all live in?
finally:
do you think i won't feel sorry for what i've just said??
don't i owe you all an apology?
is all this for real, or reel?
oh, boy, how ridiculous can you be?
i'm a boy on a string...

where's the connection?

2005-03-13T21:08:00.000+08:00

CHANGE. state. condition. being.
SELF. esteem. pride. bad. worse. worst.
low. degraded. DEVALUED. unnoticed.
unloved. ALONE. one.
family. community. society. CROWD.
LOST. helpless. needy. poor. beggar.
alms. mercy. grace. HOPE.
LIGHT. life. joy. smile.
bright. white. pure. clean. blameless. PERFECT.
NOBODY. wortheless. none.
ignorance. reality. inexistence. GONE.
dead. dying. recovering. lifely. able. PERCEIVE.
sense. see. clear. blur. TEARS.
BROKEN. SILENT.
I. LOVING. YOU.
ALWAYS.

hyperventilation. whew...

2005-03-13T16:24:00.000+08:00

march 11, friday.
i was nearing the doors when i took a last glance at the inaccurate clock.
6:45. i was smiling.
thirty minutes later i faced the school gate.
looking through the bars i saw the hand clocks: six-forty-five.
oh boy. it's all working now.
i took my hankerchief and wiped it on my face.
i felt cold. didn't know why........
for all of you to know, i haven't been late for four straight days.
yes, four straight days.
and i owe it all to the maladusted wall clock above our bookshelf - adjusted half an hour advanced to real time.
when i reached the classroom, i quickly sat down and copied notes.
studious, ehh?? no. transformed, more likely.
change is the only permanent thing in this world.
i remember my dad's remark about nine months ago:
"gabriel, pakatandaan mo, ang third year, transition period yan, mentally and physically...
...kaya kumain ka nga?!"
well, believe it or not, i've gained twenty pounds since that statement. weird.
but - some things change for the worse.
"gab, ang taray mo na ha!"
"gab! miss na kita! bumisita ka nman dito!"
"hmmp. di ka na namamansin."
- just to mention a few.
um, call me introverted nowadays, i'll take it wholly.
and please accept my apologies.
anyway, sometime before midday i had an internal bout of asthma (which luckily no one noticed...) which would contribute to my later woes...
"gab, please read and answer number five."
i was startled with what i heard.
"yes, i know you're about to go to never-never land......"
so i was falling asleep. i had no idea.
someone touched my hand -
"gab, nanlalamig ka.."
after that, a quiz - i flunked, of course.
but that didn't matter for the moment.
though i really needed a rest.
the next day, my back was flat on the mattress.
grabbing my cellphone, i realized that it was ten o'clock.
i heard a loud voice downstairs. my mom.
"pag nagising si gab, sabihin nyo magpahinga pa siya..."
i sat up. by my side i saw a thermometer.
then i gently touched my forehead.
man, you're scorching hot.
knowing everything's out of control for that time, i lay back again and hid in my blankets.
so much for a day. there's your needed rest, boy.

ang dakilang martir.

2005-03-09T21:11:00.000+08:00

narito ako, nakaupo at nananahimik...
nagmumuni-muni at napag-iisip......
mga dalawang upuan sa aki'y layo..
naroon ka, masiglang tumatawa...
buti ka pa, masaya!
mamaya-maya ako'y may maririnig...
isa o dalawang kataga mula sa 'yong mga labi...
mga salita, sa puso ko'y pumunit....
kahit matagal ko na namang alam...
na ang puso mo'y nabihag na ng iba...
nagbingi-bingihan, na parang walang nasaksihan...
ako muli'y nanahimik, sa silya'y sumandal..
para ka na ngang malaking tinik sa puso ko...
kulang na lang ay hilain at itapon...
ngunit, alam ko namang pag iyon ay ginawa ko...
tiyak magsusugat lang lalo ang nagdurugo nang puso...
siguro nga'y mas mabuti nang manatili lang diyan..
pero, lalabas na naman, isang tanong:
kung magpaparamdam ka.. kailan ba, at papaano?
kung hinihintay ko na lang ang tamang panahon...
hindi ba ang oras na 'yon ay... bukas, o ngayon?
sana ako'y mapatawad mo kung nagiinarte ng ganito.
sa akin ay hindi ka na dapat humingi ng paumanhin...
pagkat ang dahilan nito ay mga katangahan ko rin...
ang katotohanan nga nama'y kay hirap sabihin.
kaya't sa sarili ko'y ito lamang ang naibulong....
"kung para naman, sa taong minamahal...
ayos lang ang ako'y masaktan."

very, very queer.

2005-03-08T21:10:00.000+08:00

she was supposed to be a lunatic -
but ended up the princess in my dreams.
strange, huh?
nope.
so much for that variety show.
half an hour later, she was still wearing that tiny "crown"...
and i heard a couple of people calling her "princess".
a title well befitting, i presume? haha.
yet in spite of that...
i tried hard not to make our eyes meet, the same time trying not to notice her too much...
all in vain.
physics time - group quiz.
first of two lost chances.
"gab, nabasa ko yung blog mo.. yung bintana ng mcdo."
"wala yun.." i quickly replied, obviously avoiding her eyes.
i won't believe it if she didn't notice how queer i am...
of course, who am i to be seen or taken note of? let alone... to her?
minutes after that quiz she was waving a purple balloon at me.
"gab, sumulat ka naman dito o..." pointing out the graffiti-covered face of the inflation.
a mental breakdown followed.
"um, mamaya na lang... baka pumutok eh.." quickly formulating an alibi.
she turned back, with a frown... (awh.. now that's sad.)
of course, as life goes on, i walk to and fro, pondering on things i tend to forget...
we happen to meet a few times, but no greetings from the shy guy.
english time: strike two.
groupmates again.. by chance.
i put a very good distance between us, and faced somewhere else.
dwelling in the silence. not talking to anyone.
now, now... anyone might ask what is happening within me...
i can't answer that for the moment.
i'm torn..
if all these could only be a nifty dream....
i could have woken up anytime -
only to find everything real.

nerbyoso..

2005-03-07T21:03:00.000+08:00

mahal kita.
akala ko nung una, napakadaling sabihin....
pero, ipakita nga lang yun, hirap ka na.
hanggang ligaw-tingin nga lang ba ako??
eh tuwing andyan ka nga, iiwasan ko naman mga mata mo...
ni makabati ng maayos, di magawa...
ngunit pag wala ka na, hahanap-hanapin naman...
ang labo ano??
sinabi ko sayo, hindi pa panahon para magpadama...
ano na nga ba hinihintay ko?
bakit ba hanggang ngayon nananahimik pa rin ako???
tinatago ko ba ang katotohanan??
bakit pa?
eh kung darating rin ang panahon na malalaman ng lahat iyon...
at saka, ano pa ba ang tinatago ko?
alam mo na diba.... pero, baka nga mahirap akong paniwalaan...
siguro nga, hindi dapat daanin ang lahat sa simpleng ngiti lamang...
haaay. magulo, alam ko.. sorry talaga...
... dahil isang malungkot na bata ang napamahal sayo....

dimmed monitor

2005-03-06T22:03:00.000+08:00

11:40 pm, february 12.
lights are out - except for the light posts outside.....
everybody's given up to the call of the night...
almost.
in one corner of a bedroom a young lad tossed and turned round his bed.
after worthless efforts of trying to sleep, he shook his head and got up...
then went straight to the door, quietly turning the knob...
and quickly turned on the monitor of the computer.
man, he was real silent.
the nanny sleeping on the couch didn't notice.
no one did.
this guy's real smart, anyway.
he covered all the switch lights, so as no once would notice that the machine's turned on.
he then adjusted the monitor contrast, to a very dim light.
very smart, indeed.
mind you, this guy's hampered by anemia, an iron deficiency mainly due to lack of sleep..
so he's an insomniac too. but he keeps on doing it.
he used to wear a pair of glasses, but this time he didn't.
and still, nobody ever noticed.
seconds later, he was chatting with someone.
typing very silently, but very quick.
moments later, fatigue started to settle in,
and tears started to well up his eyes..
but he wouldn't sleep.
naturally, things started to get shaky....
and so he asked his friend over the program:
"lumilindol ba?"
of course, she told the frail guy that he needs sleep.
he actually does, judging on his eyebag marks...
but he didn't care a bit; there was something special in his 'friend' that he can't put his eyes off the screen.
the computer clock read: 12:00 am.
the guy was now enjoying a pack of chips delight, the girl over the other end, refrigerated mangoes.
and they were both wide awake again.
but the lad suddenly froze with fear - something was moving.
or so he thought.
"may mumu dyan sa inyo..." said her friend, apparently amused.
well, this guy suddenly chuckled; he was slightly nervous.
yet he kept going on.
three hours later, the friendly girl checked out.
so she still sleeps once in a while. the guy slid back to his chair.
without anything else to do, he shut the thing down.
yet he seemed to enjoy all this a lot.
about a month later....
the young kid still does the thing...
waking up to the wee hours of night to midnight transition.. barely dozing.....
waiting for someone to log in...
wanting to talk to her....
maybe not that badly....
but still holding on, and hoping that...
by chance, sometime, she will be there....

sa bintana ng mcdo...

2005-03-05T11:20:00.000+08:00

mcdo carpark.
hindi isa sa mga pinakamagandang lugar kapag ika'y nag-iisa...
ngunit naroon ako...
sa isang sulok ng malaking kainan..
sa tabi ng bintana, at kaharap ang basurahan...
----
katatapos lang ng perio. alas-dos na ng hapon.
nakakapaso ang araw noon. nasa may guardhouse nq quesci.
pero may kasama ako...
isang magandang dilag... isa sa mga taong lagi kong kasama,...
at laging nagpapangiti sa akin...
"gab, punta tayo ng mcdo...." sabi niya.
sa init nga naman ng araw, pumayag ako...
ngunit hindi lang iyon ang dahilan.
kung alam niyo lang, mahal ko ang taong iyon....
nang makarataing doon, kami'y naupo sa malapit sa bintana, sa likod ng basurahan...
kaharap ko siya.
"teka, baka gusto mong kumain?" naitanong ko sa kanya.
"ah, hindi,.. ayoko pa kasi umuwi..."
"waw. nagbago ka na nga... diba lagi mong gustong umuuwi ng maaga?"
"eh... basta..."
natahimik na lang ako at napatingin sa labas...
"gab..."
napaharap ako sa kanya...
at nagsalubong ang tingin naming dalawa. kung gaano katagal, hindi ko alam...
"...bakit namumula ka??" nako. napansin niya.
at hindi lang yon. sa totoo lang, nanginginig ako sa kaba...
hindi ako nakasagot.. kaya ako'y ngumiti na lang uling tumingin sa bintana...
"halika, uwi na tayo..." sabi niya.
tumayo na kami...
lumipas ang ilang sandali...
at kinuha ko ang kamay niya.
"mahal kita..."
yun lamang ang narinig kong lumabas sa aking mga labi...
ngumiti siya. at tila, hinigpitan ang hawak sa kamay ko...
"labas na tayo..."
nagkatitigan ulit kami. namumula siya....
ngunit, natahimik na kami pareho at sabay na naglakad palabas....
***
mahigit isang taon na ang nakalipas. nakaupo ako sa lugar kung saan naganap ang lahat ng ito.
pero, wala siya sa aking harapan...
----
habang isinasalaysay sa papel ang lahat ng ito...
may kumatok sa bintana.
napalingon ako, at nandun ay isang babae kasama ang kanyang mga kaibigan...
siya'y humarap sa akin at kumaway.
sa kabila ng lahat ng naalala ko...
hindi ko pa rin napigilang ngumiti noong siya'y nasa paningin ko...
haaay. isang araw na nagdaan.

the reading carnival... and grimace

2005-03-03T19:58:00.000+08:00

"city hall, city hall!!!! isa na lang!!!"
amidst the shuffling of feet was a pair of leather shoes briskly walking to a jeep a dispatcher was attending to.
getting the signal, i quickly went in.
my parents will kill me if they knew about this.
i had no reason to do so, but i didn't tell anyone in the household that instead of heading to school, i took a route to the qc memorial
circle.
"manong, bayad ho..."
while paying the fare, i can't help but look at the permit provided to us, which would have informed my parents about the incoming activity -
and why was i going to qcmc in a regular school day.
as some of you might know, there is this so-called 'reading carnival' hosted by, what was that? scholastic corporation, or something like it.
anyway, it didn't really matter if i didn't tell anyone from the family about it - they're used to me keeping a lot of secrets.
and so the jeep went. i took a peek at the side window...
a sea of blue, green and white was clearly seen along the sidewalk.
i returned my eyes back to the inside; and i saw the same pattern of colors in one girl's dress.
"ma'am, ang daya o! nakasakay!!!"
from there on i knew. that crowd was walking - WALKING - to the same destination i was headed.
obviously not wanting to arrive there sweaty and tired, some 'highly intelligent and capable' students chose to pay fare for the comfort.
i heaved my back to the chair cushion, feeling very comfortable about it.
"manong, para ho..."
i was there alone standing by the elliptical road sidewalk, among a hundred students [the same crowd mentioned earlier0 waiting (im)patiently
to cross the road.
two minutes later, i found myself among my friends and schoolmates. from there on we geared for the world record, say.
what world record? "most number of people reading at the same time (and in the same place?)"
yeah. whatever it was. but record or no record, i believe i was reading pugad baboy by that time.
yet not everyone was reading. at the back of the venue, unseen, were a group of students playing russian poker (more commonly known as tong-its
*compliments to jason*)...
so what if there's a record? our adviser told us that a different record was set: most number of people acquiring skin cancer in a particular
day, time and place due to the heat of the sun. now that's more convincing....
"group 1, may practice tayo ng pinoy... balik tayo ng school...."
it sounded a bit more interesting than setting a world record during that time..
and so we headed for the jeepney stop.
before crossing the road, we saw only few people lining up for a ride.
when we arrived at the other end, however, the population quadrupled.. i suppose.
and it was a very long and unorganized queue.
it was about ten minutes later before we got a ride... and five minutes going to sm...
"mag-te-ten na. ma'am, kain muna tayo sa food court. magbubukas na po yan..."
she agreed.
----
an hour later, we found out the school was locked for the day. precisely why, i did not know. nor did i care.
"dun na lang tayo sa mcdo mag-usap..." said clara, the group leader.
we could only nod our agreement in response.
----
staging a practice at mcdonald's carpark is no easy task.
mobility is hindered, and conversation a bit limited...
the only productive thing we were able to do was talk about what we were going to do.
after two hours of not-so-fruitful discussion we played tong-its.
nothing's that sensible now....
----
an hour later only three of the group remained at mcdonald's: janine, jason, and i...
with nothing to do, let alone anything to talk about, jason started out:
"ano ba talaga si grimace?" pointing to a small portrait just above where we were sitting.
we looked at the picture, with great interest.
thinking about it very deeply, but not with much sense, i blurted out:
"oo nga no... para siyang - "
"ube... ube yata.." cut in janine.
and for that time we agreed about it.
moments later hazel came, and janine left.
after getting a dutch treat of 'king cone' ice cream from jason, the topic came to life again:
"jason, sayang, di mo tinanong nung bumili ka kung sino si grimace..." all of us looking at the portrait.
"oo nga eh, pag may dumaan na lang, tanong natin."
hazel went to some friends sitting about two tables away from us...
and they seemed to agree with the first speculation, reading from their lips "ube yata yan eh!"...
we thought about it again...
"eh bakit ube? wala naman yata silang ube dito ha..."
"meron, yung ice cream diba?"
"oo nga, pero wala pa ring sense... bakit hndi na lang picture n ice-cream like?? bakit parang ube pa ung hugis?"
"siguro kamote yan."
approaching all possibilities, we all ended up in hearty laughters...
then all of us decided to leave and go home.
as we stood up, we saw the 'manager' roaming around the restaurant... and we seized the chance to talk to him..
"er sir, excuse me po, may itatanong lang po kami..."
"sige. ano yun?" the guy replied.
"um, ano po ba talaga si grimace?"
"anong klaseng nilalang po ba siya?"
"kasi po mukha siyang ube dun sa picture.. so nagtaka lang po kami..."
it took him a few moments before he answered...
"ay, wala lang talaga yan, ginawa lang na kasama ni ronald mcdonald at nung iba..."
"ahh.. okey... salamat po sir.."
he wasn't quite convincing, however.
for a fact, i have the faintest inkling that the manager didn't expect the question to be raised, let alone think of a good answer in response.
but we'll look on that someday.

somehow... for you...

2005-03-02T20:15:00.000+08:00

someday, not today...
you'll see me in the light of day...
sometime, not tomorrow...
i'll walk with you once more...
with a smile i'll meet you
in my eyes, a bright glimmer
someday i'll gaze at those brown eyes,
and we'll again play with our minds...
teasing me here, laughing out there...
dancing under grace like never before...
somewhere in time we will forget
that past that tormented us, right and left
each painful memory, and scarrings of pain
will disappear, never to be hidden in vain
someday we'll share the deepest of secrets
and tie a knot of trust - one which can't be trimmed
someday we'll talk - for all obvious reasons
with every breath, gasp and laughter
some time every day i'll be thinking about you
looking forward to things, brand new
and someday i'll be holding your hand again
bowing before Him, both in solemn prayer
once again we'll be the best of friends...
and i do hope that someday come in full stead.

only for clarification.

2005-03-01T20:49:00.000+08:00

dear ms. warque,
greetings.
this is a feedback regarding your blistering harangue upon our section, avogadro-3, last march 1, 2005.
your argument focuses on two points: a) your implemented rules about being excused on class and b) the
student's, and ultimately, the school's low-level competence.
we are doing this to inform you that this school has its own set of hectic schedules, as you may not
know, being new to the system. annually, this agenda was set at a specific date; and the management tries
so hard to complete this yearly set of activities. during these periods, students are sometimes required
to skip their classes to join the particular event, provided that a) a permit is presented stating the
reason for the student's missing of classes and b) the teacher consents not to teach during that period,
in case a whole class is needed. we believe that such imposition of new rules - technically an act of
injustice - should not be allowed.
about the second matter, i am so sorry to say that we feel being dealt a blow below the belt. for your
knowledge our school has long lived a reputation of having such rigorous academic training and high
standards, being supervised by the department of education. we, the students, hold the responsibility of
maintaining the school's respectable status, and do it to the best we can. such is the case for our
class, avogadro-3: expectations are very high and also pressing, but we still make it a point to excel at
such academic areas.
we know for a fact that qcshs has a very high-level competence, and that is supposed to mean the students
and the teachers. all of us, out of respect, try much as possible not to downplay a person's capability -
a subject you talked about - and all of us agree - was an outrageous insult to each student present in
that room. making things straight, i do not intend to demand an apology, but only to make things clear
between you and our class.
we hope that we can resolve the matters as soon as possible, and that it will end up for the benefit of
all.
please accept our sincerest apologies.
- from a concerned student of yours
----
hmmf.

the rose, ... torn (epilogue?)

2005-02-27T22:28:00.000+08:00

(js prom '05: last of 4 parts)
...and held the rose - too tight.
was there a problem??
don't you realize what you've just done?
fine. he took her away.
that's NOT supposed to mean you have an excuse to dance with someone else.
am i right?
a promise to yourself is a promise to yourself.
a last dance is a LAST dance.
she didn't hold a promise. YOU did.
let her dance with someone else. but let her be your last.
that's what you should've done.
anyway, the damage is done. you take the pain.
show her what you feel. can you do it?
when i was done, i opened my palm.
a petal fell to the ground.
my palm was holding a pile of rose petals.
i kept them in my pocket.
a "lasting" memory.
as i walked to the gate, i saw some disgruntled people sitting at the back chairs.
i wasn't alone, i suppose.
but the pain was still there.
----
an hour later, i was tucked in my bed..
but my mind was still rolling.
"hay. ang tanga ko talaga."
what did you mean???
i found myself letting out a faint sob.
why?
i couldn't sleep. three o' clock.
you missed her a lot. right?
you loved her.
you already had let go.
yet she's not out of your mind.
you hoped she felt the same way.
yet she didn't.
what did she mean?? hmmm....
i continued tossing and turning roundabout.
i looked up. five o' clock.
i didn't lay down again.

the rose,... dried up

2005-02-27T21:51:00.000+08:00

(js prom '05 : 3rd of 4 parts)
...falling on the rooftop...
"erika, pwede ba kitang makasayaw?"
the girl stood up. we took a few steps to the floor...
"turuan mo ako ha! di ako marunong eh!" came my date's response.
i smiled back. oh baby tell me why you have to go...
"swerte ka kinakantahan kita..." i told her. and she acknowledged.
my first dance - with our class muse. nice start, gab.
when we let go, i took a look at my brooch - starting to wilt...
no, almost wilted..
but i didn't mind, and so i went looking for someone to dance with.
in one of the four corners of the hall, a pictorial was in process...
i joined in, of course. those were my classmates, for a fact.
after the pictorial...
"eileen, sayaw tayo, kwentuhan mo n ren ako..." facing a girl wearing red.
after getting the affirmative nod, we went to the dance floor.
the slow dance suddenly stopped, and a fast one kicked in....
thus quickening our conversation about the supposed to be king and queen of the prom. :)
the fast tunes, later, were halted, and i resumed to find a partner.
after four to five dances (or songs, say)...
young man...there's no need to feel down.. i said, young man, pick yourself off the ground..
wow. is this really a promenade? as that and other songs like that played on...
anyway, i didn't dance during that period. that's being crazy, in my opinion.
of course, that stopped too, and the next song seemed to say that that won't be repeated for the rest of
the night.
i inquired a friend of the time. he flashed his watch - eleven o' clock.
when i was dancing with a long time friend... i saw her. she was dancing with... david.
suddenly a rush of memories came... i was supposed to, let's say, "take her away" from him, when the case
arises that he asks her. but i was dancing with someone else... strike one, i said to myself.
my partner noticed that. "kanino ka nakatingin?" she asked, and glanced at where i was looking. "ahh...
so gusto mong makasayaw si kacie..."
my face turning into a shade of red, i responded with, "hmf. nagselos ka naman." i regretted it. *well,
at least they didn't dance for long. kidding aside...*
when the song finished, i offered an apology to her. "nyak. okey lng yun. nagkakahiyaan nga kami eh.
basta yung last dance ha!" was her response. painful? i never knew.
after a few more dances, i found a dear friend of mine - sol.. and asked her for a dance. the thing was,
i did not know that he was still dancing with another guy, but because he left her, i got the nod.
(well, why do you think i mentioned her?)
a few seconds later, i saw the charming lady i spoke of earlier walking to the dance floor with a very
close friend of mine.
i was singing to sol "til they take my heart away" when i noticed them. i told my friend "wala akong
planong isayaw sya... tingin mo?"
after a series of deep questioning, i looked at her straight in the eye.. "sige na nga."
silence in our part. i was still gazing at her, singing a song... "gab, ang ganda ng mga mata mo..."
i responded with a smile. that's the best i can do.
then, i looked past her and winked at rowell (my friend), for which purpose was obvious.
he got the message. "gab, pwede ko bang mahirap si sol ng sandali?"
(as a "law", when asked for a dance, one should comply...)
then we were left alone. the girl and i.
"okey lang ba??" i asked.
i didn't need a response. she put her hand by my shoulder, and there started all.
"oy. kamusta na."
"ayos lang."
"di na tayo nag-uusap ha..." she faced somewhere...
evading my eyes.
*know what, my father stressed too much to me about eye contact in communication. so i always was like
that. sorry...*
"oo nga eh. sorry ha... na-miss kita."
she looked at me. then turned her face somewhere else.
"nanginginig ba ako?" i asked her - i felt i was.
silence again. she stared at me. i was mesmerized.
"ano ba, gab?... hay. ang tanga ko talaga." she turned again.
"bakit mo naman nasabi?"
"ahh... ewan.."
"nahihiya ka ba sa akin?"
her feet stopped. she still didn't look.
"sino na ba?? para maliwanagan na ako."
"hindi ko alam kung mahal ko na siya." i knew what she meant. and who she was talking about. painful? i
never knew.
"gab, okey ka lang?" came her soft voice.
"hindi ehh.. nanginginig yata ako..." at last. we were facing each other.
i gazed into her eyes... a long, searching gaze...
then she turned away - again.
"nahihiya ka ba sa akin?"
the song came to an end. i just realized that i was singing to her.
she only smiled back. "oy, salamat ha."
"sorry talaga... sige.." as i let go of her. I HAD LET GO OF HER. painful? i never knew.
but that was strike two.
when i was asking someone again.. the lights turned on. darn. but i think it didn't matter, for the
moment...
as each minute passed, the last dance was approaching nearer and nearer.
and people were asking me every minute "nasayaw mo na si anna?," all answering them with a small snicker.
then came the last dance. *apologies for the redundancy*
well, she was dancing with someone else. so i had to ask him to have her. it hurts when anyone does that.
but i had to, say.......
and so we danced. "uy gab, salamat sa lahat..."
"um, wala yun..." ...was i blushing??
"nakita ko kayo ni anna nagsasayaw ha..."
"oo nga eh. haaay. akala ko nga iiyak ako sa harap nya.."
silence.
"gab... salamat talaga sa lahat..." she told me again.
the lights turned on.
"please, do not forget to sign in the attendance sheets..." came our adviser's voice.
a student talked to her in front - "attention everyone! we are extending this dance one hour..."
"oy gab! uulitin nten un ha!!!!" she shouted at me, and i smiled back.
of course. i waited for that. half an hour later....
"i'm sorry, but this next song will be your last dance. the parents have requested that this event last
only until twelve midnight..."
a groan was heard throughout the hall. but, we could do nothing. the lights were turned on again.
i approached her again. the last song played.
...skies are blue, red roses too.. i see them bloom...
.....until, when all was to end...
...and i say to myself...
"gab!" a dancing couple approached us.
it was eileen - and adam.
"switch daw.." and it happened as it was.
twenty seconds before the song ended... it all happened...
i thought of that happening, but wasn't prepared.
as she glanced back at me... i only managed to give a wink. now i know that was painful.
the song ended. i grabbed a souvenir pillow and walked away.
and took the pinned rose on my chest...

the rose,... cut

2005-02-27T19:32:00.000+08:00

(js prom '05 : 2nd of 4 parts)
"gab, anong ginagawa mo?" said noel, watching me shorten the stem.
"making a brooch, i presume," was my reply, with a slight grin. i put the short-stemmed rose in my
pocket. it held on. great.
after doing that, i gave myself a good look at the whole area, scanning for faces familiar to my memory.
"ang ganda nya no, gab?" snapped a friend, pointing to someone. glancing at that direction, i saw a,
let's say, charming white girl wearing a beige gown. and i stared at her. for how long i didn't notice
(and again i hope she didn't too..) coming back to my senses, i found myself sitting in front of her,
only a table away, and then, blushing crimson, returned to my empty plate.
right on front some people from our journ delegation were presenting the graduating batch's last will and
testament.. mind you, i expected my name to come up somewhere. it did - somewhere in the latecomer's
section. (well, that's who i am.)
"the next three tables, you can now get your food at your extreme sides..."
thirty people stood up, almost in unison, including me and the cute lady, and made a queue for the food.
the girl's date was with him; slightly irritated, i managed to put distance between them and i.
the food - awesome... hizon's really lived up to it's reputation... but that's a minor thing. i mean, i
rarely saw anyone gather second helpings, or at least at our side of the hall.
after i helped myself, i went out of the hall to talk to some friends...
which led to our second encounter.
"hello gab!" came the greeting.
still stunned at her presence, i waved back, took a side-glance, and looked away.
"galit ka ba sa akin?" she asked, and i was dumbfounded - like petrified, say, that i only shook my head
in response.
after a brief moment of silence, she said...
"isasayaw mo ba sya? ang ganda nya ngayon o!"
and from there i was hit back to earth - "hinde. namanata na nga ako diba?"
[we were referring to the beautiful dame across where i sat...]
i knew i must be true to my word. she didn't smile back again..
as a reminder, she shouted back, "last dance ko ha!" before returning to the hall.
lovestruck? no. stupefied? much better, i suppose. again, a smile broke out through my face.
after an hour of dinner and pictorials, all returned to the banquet hall to watch the "cotillion de
honor" which pulled of a nice and, by the end, a crazy performance. it was all nice, however.
then there was the announcement for the nominees of the high court (which meant the king, queen, prince,
princess, faces of the night, and a teacher) - which the teachers chose wisely, except for the best
teacher (of course, they would vote themselves in, right?)
then the dance started. not the formal dance, a form of intermission, though - all those ladies can't do
quicksteps to fit those tunes. we had fun anyway.
after a few minutes of balloting, the results came up. five of those i voted got the nod of most. each of
these prized winners had to do a ceremonial walk, and go to a prepared place somewhere in the left wing
of the hall.
as dessert was being served, and i was drinking a dose of orange juice..
"...enjoy your prom dance." a teacher formally stated.
a slow tune started playing...
all i hear is raindrops...

before the rose...

2005-02-27T13:23:00.000+08:00

(js prom '05 : 1st of 4 parts)
"gab, gising na! male-late k na naman!" came my mother's frantic raving.
startled, i carried my body up to level... five o'clock.
now, that thing isn't lying. i've got thirty minutes.
sluggishly i started to the bathroom.
"bilisan mo ha!" again, my mother, with the usual menacing sideway glance.
*after TWENTY minutes...*
at long last. i tried not too hard to admire my coat.
of course i was excited.. as i looked on my dress, tie, and all that.
five minutes was all it took for me to prepare.
making sure i got all i needed, i walked down the four-step stairway.
"okey ba??" presenting myself before the crowd, while they were watching a james bond movie, seemingly unaffected by my presence until i spoke up.
silence.
"let's go," came the modest reply of my father. and i swear, i saw a tiny wink from his left eye.
back in the car, my mom and pop still had the opportunity to get a talk.
"aircon ba dun? malaki ba yung lugar? sino date mo? yiii!" as a series of questions hacked my mind. i only nodded in answer.
the Gazebo Royale was not such a far-off place - but the traffic was there, as usual, worsened by about fifty cars making a beeline for the entrance.
"mag-enjoy ka ha." there weren't much comments heard - i suppose my parents liked the place.
bading farewell, i went out of the car.
there were a lot outside. waiting for something, i didn't know.
when i found out that i wasn't late, i let out a good sigh of relief and presented my guest pass.
the entrance ceremonies had already started, as lines going to the hall were formed. moments later i found my place in the line.
i then took a glance at the hall. quite spectacular - there was a large video screen at top, showing each pair enter one by one. and there were coolers which sprayed ice. it was a mere blur, though, for i didn't have my glasses (or, say, did i have one?)
"loren! may dala kang salamin??" i asked a friend. "wala eh, bakit di mo sinabi... ang gwapo mo pa naman ngayon!" came the part-flattery from her. i gestured a wink in acknowledgment and went to the one next in line - "anna! mei salamin ka na dala?" "wala eh! pero si cleo meron.." she answered as she opened her purse and "conjured" a pair of glasses. "hiramin mo na lang sa kanya..." thanking her, i went to the person in detail - "cleo! pahiram ng salamin ha.. sabihin mo na lang pag gagamitin mo na.. salamat!"
suddenly, things went clearer. and i saw everything as beautiful and elegant. everything.
as i walked back to my place.. "hi gab!!" a sweet greeting reached my ears. i turned back - and there she was, wearing an simple orange dress; yes, simple. :D . my - she's gorgeous.. really... :D stunned and speechless, i waved in return, nothing to give back due to awe... but a smile she didn't see, i hope.
about a minute later, we were in the hall. after a good dose of standing up and shortened speeches, there was the final exchange ceremony; we give a candle, our counterparts a rose.
"you may now proceed to your respective tables," a master of ceremony announced. "enjoy your dinner."
before doing that, however, i went to a friend, alfredo.
"may corsage kang nabili?" reminding him of earlier planned things.
"tol, si ronald lang nakabili eh. pero ayos lng yun.. it's the thought that counts.. dba?" was his somber response.. but he was right about it.
so i approached the dinner table, holding the rose, making my highly intelligent mind work (not that hard, though..) and took a knife.

the sun shone brightly on this day. ü

2005-02-23T21:32:00.000+08:00

waw. mlapit na mgprom.
eto ung nakalagay sa invitation...
Please share in the joy as we, the Juniors and Seniors of Quezon City Science High School, celebrate our
memorable night of fun, romance and magic... to be held at Gazebo Royale 29 Visayas Avenue Extension
Quezon City on Friday, 25th of February 2005 at 5:40 in the afternoon.
tapos may singit pa sa baba: (please come on time)
waw. my reputation as a latecomer has long been established...
na parang nabanggit na ko sa invitation mismo. *joke lang*
and as you would expect, talk of the town sya, diba??
most overused lines this week:
"sino date mo?"
"may date ka na?"
"bakit siya?"
"ano isusuot mo?"
"isayaw mo ako ha!"
"sino last dance mo?"
"pag di ka pumunta ng prom, di k n mkakarating sa monday ng buhay!!!"
anywayz...
so tatlong araw n kmi ngppractice....
and it went smoothly, i suppose.
pero mas masaya ung mga nangyayari in-between rehearsals...
kahit na tingin ng karamihan walang nangyayari..
buong araw kaming nag-cchess...
tpos sa room nmen mei cd na kanta ng kanta.. parang sirang plaka, kasi wala nang pinatugtog kundi yun na
lang....
pero wala pa ring makapigil sa kakulitan ng mga tao!
ang ewan, oo... pero personally masaya ako.
sa isang sulok ng quadrangle... kasama ko siya...
ang babaw noh? pero masaya.
tapos kinukulit nya ako tungkol s lablayp ko...
kung mapadama ko lang sa kanya na...
'pag makita ko siyang nakangiti'y isang napakalaking lobo ng puso ko...
pero di ko man magawa yun....
di maiwasang ako'y mapangiti, kung saan man umabot ay di ko na iisipin...
ngayon, kinulit ko rin sya ng onti...
tungkol sa nakaraan(??) nya.. tapos ung lalaking yun pala'y malapit sa kung nasan kami...
pero nakatalikod ung lalaki... tapos kaharap ko yung magandang dilag *nyahahaha*...
"ayan. lumalapit na sayo o.. para may masandalan ka." banat ko sa kanya...
di siya sumagot. tpos tinalikuran nya ako...
akala ko nagalit o nainis, so haharapin ko sana sya...
nang naramdaman kong sumandal siya sakin...
tapos may sinabi siya. di ko na maalala...
nawindang lang ako.
speechless, for a moment...
di ko naman inasahang gagawin nya yun diba?
siguro sa kanya wala lang yun. sanay na yata eh.
sa akin... di ko rin alam. mababaw na hindi....
kasi alam naman nyang may pagtingin ako sa kanya eh.
at alam ko rin na iba yung gusto niya...
hanggang ngayon yata nangingig pa rin ako...
haaaay. magulo na naman ba? hindi naman siguro....
masaya lang ako.
bukas, regular classes na ulit.
pero, dun sa tatlong araw na nagdaan, nagbago yata ang mundo ko...
kahit na para sa karamihan wala pa naman talagang nangyayari.
basta - excited na ako sa prom. haaay.......

a state of delirium....

2005-02-22T19:06:00.000+08:00

hehe. naalala ko kung kelan ko unang nsabi ung expression na toh....
kc math time nun. tpos merong di ma-solve n problem si ma'am warque...
so sabi nya: "well, let's leave that problem behind...
my mind is - "
"in a state of delirium!" nasigaw ko bigla.
malakas. pero di nya yata narinig. tumawa yung mga katabi ko...
" - ...whatever." sabi ulet ni ma'am, finishing her statement.
ngayon alam ko na talaga ano ibig sabihin nyan.
and it is no laughing matter. seriously...
hay. referring to the previous entry.. ung sulat nga.
basta. i can't hold myself from thinking about the things relayed there...
grabe. tapos kakaisip dun, bigla yatang nag-iba ung aura ko....
sige. it's partly blamed dun sa overdosage ko ng ferrous sulfate...
pero na-overdose aq dahil sa kakagawa nung previous entry.
ultimately, yun pa rin yung dahilan. tama ba?
haay. sinuntok ko ung pader hanggang sa mamula ung mga kamay ko.
pinukpok ko ren kung saan-saan.
tapos nag-hagis yata ako ng chessboard.
wala ako sa sarili ko kanina.
pati utak ko yata naapektuhan...
kasi nagcchess kmi knina...
tpos naglaro kmi ng ilang rounds...
pero dahil sa mga bubuyog at langaw sa ulo ko....
natalo nya ko 4 straight times.
sa isang araw. and i never lost to him in the past (none that i can remember, that is.)
waaaaaaa. sinabi nga sa akin ng isang kaibigan...
"kailangan mo ng panahong mapag-isa ka lang..."
pero, wala pa ring nakabago sa mood ko. buong araw.
even her ever-present smile was able to do nothing.
NOTHING. whew. i need to cool off...
i do need time to be... alone.

sulat....

2005-02-22T05:00:00.000+08:00

bagay n bagay pala sa akin ung kantang eto...

----

sa kanyang mga mata...
di mo makita na mahal ka nya...
dahil sa pagkakamaling nagawa...
noong kayo'y magkaskwela pa...
sabi nya ikaw lang ang mahal...
seryoso sya sa lahat ngpangako sinta...
ikaw lang ang hinihintay maghapon...
hanggang mag-uwian na...

patawarin mo ako...
mapaglarong isipan...
mapapatawad mo ba ako...
o sadya mong nakalimutan...
ang mga sulat ko sayo...

* ^ edited yung lyrics ^ ----

haaay. bakit ba ganito, ang pag-ibig....

bakit ba ngayon lng dumating ang sulat mo...

kung kailan nakabitaw na nga't lahat sayo....

kailangan ko pa bang balikan...

ang nakaraang noo'y nakalimutan na?

dapat ko pa nga bang iyakan...

ang dati'y pinagbuhusan ko na ng luha??

----

kasi naman. bakit ngayon mo lang ibinigay yun..

ngayong nagkaintindihan na tayong tapos na ang lahat??

bakit kinailangan mo pang sabihin sa akin ang mga bagay na iyon??

napapamuni-muni tuloy ako...

kung bakit sa lahat, ikaw ang minahal ko?

alam ko namang iba ang iniibig mo eh!!!!

tska.. talaga bang minahal kita??

napadama ko ba?? o nagpakamanhid ka???

----

isipin mo naman. di na tayo nag-uusap...

pero gigising ako ng alas-kwatro para lang ilabas ito sa isip ko??

hindi sa mahal pa rin kita....

pero hanggang ngayon, gusto kong, magkasama ulit tayo...

kahit isang huling pagkakataong man lang.

time check...

2005-02-19T06:36:00.000+08:00

"anong oras na?" tanong niya sakin..
parang nabulabog ako dun sa tanong nya...
eh wala akong orasan kaya di ko siya nasagot.
AP klase namin nun.. so, parang wala namang nangyari pgktapos nun.
come physics time.
habang ginagawa ko ung nakaraang entry.....
tska ko lang naisip..
na kung sakali, marami rin palang ibig sabihin yung tanong mo...
para sa akin....
eto. suppose a girl comes to you. a girl someone you really like.
let's say, a girl you love so much.
tpos, sabihin nya sayo......
"alam mo ba hinihintay na lang kita.... ano na?"
mahihiya naman sana yung lalaki diba?? tama?
the thought struck like lightning on my mind.
and my conscience called on a very audible voice:
kelan ka ba magpaparamdam??
sinabi mong mahal mo yung tao diba?
patunayan mo; kasi nawawala na yung essence nung sinabi mo.
mababawi mo pa kaya?
"kung may dapat kang gawin, gawin mo kung kailan pwede na!"
diba yan lagi ang sinasabi mo?
now prove yourself true to your word!
anong petsa na, ha??
narealize ko na tama sya.
kaso, kay tagal na, wala pa rin akong magawa..
* gab, gumising ka na!!!!!
pano kaya, kung isang araw... tanungin nga nya ako??
"hinihintay na lang kita... kay tagal na panahon na rin akong naghintay....
may gagawin ka pa ba? anong oras na o!!!"

........may isasagot na kaya ako?

bakit??

2005-02-19T06:30:00.000+08:00

bakit ang gulo ng isip ko?
bakit halos buong araw galak na galak ako...
ngunit ngayon ako'y nagmumukmok??
kung ikaw nga lang ang tumatakbo sa isip ko...
bakit ang isip ko'y isang malaking deliriyo??
kung alam ko namang masaya ka sa piling ng iba...
bakit pag kayo'y magkasama ako'y nasasaktan?
at kung sa magkaharap tayo ikaw ay nakangiti..
bakit sa iyong pagtalikod.....
ang aking luha't pagtitimpi lang, sayo ang kayang ibalik???
bakit nga ba, ako'y nabighani sa ganda mong katangi-tangi?
siguro nga, ako lama'y hanggang ligaw-tingin....
ngunit bakit ang ipadama ito'y pawang isang pagkakamali?
bakit ba, ako'y hindi naniwala sa mga bulong at bulyaw...
na kahit kailan, sa aki'y di ka mapapamahal??
at ngayon, bakit ako nagsisisi...
dahil napamahal ako sa isang taong iba ang iniibig???
kung sa huli, ako ri'y masasaktan...
sa dulo ng lahat ako lagi ang luhaan?
bakit sadyang ganito kalupit ang tadhana...
na sinadyang dahil sa pag-ibig, ako ay magdusa???

ngunit, sa kabila ng lahat ng ito....

tingin mo, bakit hindi ko pa rin maipagkailang... ikaw ang mahal ko????

shocks.. my hair...

2005-02-15T21:20:00.000+08:00

"sir semana!.. ay, gab pala!"
"and oh, man, the hair!"
"mukha kang kwago..."
"waha! kahon!"
"pumapayat ka gab..."
"bket ka kasi nagpagupit?"
waaaaa..... dalawang araw ang nakalipas pagkatapos kong magpagupit....
and this is what i get?
goodness, sandosenang puna yata natatanggap ko araw araw dhil sa buhok ko.
eh kasi nga naman pinilit ako ng nanay ko n mgpgupit sa bading.
yakii. the result??
para akong ewan. tpos sa left side meron pang excess hair...
kea pg nahahanginan ung buhok ko, it feels like there's something wrong...
nakakainis talaga.
so kinabukasan napilitan akong magsalamin, yung luma ko.......
and yun? mukha nga akong kwago.
well, at least mei positive response nman, kahit papano...
pero, ayoko p ren tlga. yaki. tshk.
di q na maimagine qng gano kasabog ang prom ko. haaay.

roses... anyone?

2005-02-14T19:17:00.000+08:00

ahh... valentine's day..
when the air is fragrant, and the flowers in glee...
nyak. cut it out.
bsta. masaya.
nakakatuwa pala mamigay ng roses.
tama nga ung tatay ko.
kc sabi nya...
"once in high school mamigay k ng mga bulaklak sa mga kakilala't kaclose mo, para maalala ka
naman nila..."
edi yun ginawa ko nga.
kc ngbbenta ung scb ng roses, red nd white...
so s knila aq bumili. mga 400 yta nagastos ko...
tpos feel na feel ko pa na magcut ng classes...
kc mei nangungulit saken, nsan n rw regalo nya...
eh sa totoo lang bibilhan ko p lng sya..
kaya ngpasama aq kei ma'am erpelo, tska ilang kaibigan n bbili ren...
tska namili ng bulaklak...
at ayun! nkabili n nga aq. roses, pero mas cute sa ordinary tska nka-bouquet...
nkabalik kmi sa school mga 11:40 na...
tpos mei demo teaching pa yung isang student teacher nmen, so cutting nga tlga aq...
sa conference hall ung demo, mlapit lng sa soc. studies ctr....
kea iniwan ko muna dun. tska aq pumasok ng conf. hall....
nung natapos n ng mga 12, tska ko n nga binigay...
naaalala q p knina, "nanginginig mga kamay... puso ko'y hindi mapalagay..."
tska ko na inabot yung roses. wala nman akong sinabi, tinawag ko lng sya sabay bigay....
tpos layo.. kc nraramdaman ko ung sarili kong namumu(t)la...
ayon. mga 1 hour later...
tska dumating yung mga roses n bnayaran ko. pinamigay ko.
tpos ngkulang pa nga aq eh... di ko nbigyan lahat... (sorry!!!!)
bbli p sana aq, pero wala na silang benta. hay.
pero... ang sarap pla ng feeling ng gnun.... gusto ko gawin ulet....
still, throughout the day ang sakit ng ulo ko....
di q maintindihan... for a fact, habang sinusulat ko to linalagnat ako eh.
pero, sobrang saya p ren. bwaha. next year ulet. heheheh.

painting the town red... (dreading 2-14)

2005-02-12T23:40:00.000+08:00

alas. is it for real? or is it just my eyes???
the marketplace. the mall. the mansion. the simple home.
argh. for a week or so, the city's gone nuts...
developed an obsession for red...
i mean, it's everywhere!
sale here. roses there. a fragrant smell lurking in every nook and cranny..
promises stated here and there....
whew... and i'm off to have my haircut.
what's the fuss????
and then, the conscience buzz...
"ha! if i know, you can't wait for monday..."
i guess that's the truth.
i could only hope that i find someone selling white, pink, and red flowers...
darn. i'll need my glasses.
something's impressing on me, like feeling colorblind... dunno, really.
weird.

walking in the rain...

2005-02-10T20:10:00.000+08:00

waw. mei quotation na q pra sa sarili ko....
"when you're down in the dumps, expect your blessings from the rain..."
it sure did come... :)
kasi ngpsama aq s kklase ko n bumili ng resistor pra sa elektronix...
tapos di q alam ksama pla nya ung prend nya na crush q dati...
sabi ko pa nga "ayoko, nasshy ako dun...."
eh di pa kmi ngppncnan nun........
now we're back on speaking terms......
tpos ksabay q p xa umuwi knina....
naglakad kami sa ulan *waaaw!*, kc wala kmi payong preho....
tpos grabe, andami nmeng npagusapan...
recalling the past and all that...
in a span of about 20 minutes....
tpos, narealize ko n namiss ko pla yung taong yun!!!!!!!
wala lang.
andami n tlgang nagbago ngayon..
i mean, ang tangkad n nya... sige, maganda n ren....
tpos ang kulet nmen pareho.. ang ingay nga namin sa jeep eh!!
di ko tlga inexpect......
tpos, mga tatlong taon yata nung huli kaming nag-usap...
pero knina, iba eh!!!
sabi nga nya, "waw, close tayo ah!!"
hehe. ngiti nlng aq...
parang gusto kong tumalon knina sa tuwa... hehehe!
tpos anlakas p bumanat...
nkakatuwa tlga!!!! pero di ko sya crush. wala lang talaga!!!!!
yun bang nagkasanayan na kami sa isa't isa ulit.
linibre ko p sya ng jipney fare...
tpos nayaya ko p sya sa prom!!! [dance lng.. :)]
ayos... and come to think of it....
mga 1 hour bago ung event na yun badtrip ako...
dahil sa bagay n hindi ko mahahadlangang maganap....
pero nkalimutan ko sya bigla...
dahil lang sa kanya...
ang saya na talaga!!! hehehe.
di ko tlga mkakalimutan to. :)

pulang liham... pagpapaalam?

2005-02-08T20:28:00.000+08:00

[sulat toh.. pra sa isang tao... word for word yan. :(]

oy. kamusta na.. kilala mo pa ko?? hehehe.
nga pala, bilang panimula, sorry tlga sa lahat... alam kong napakasama ko, lalo na sayo...
kaya nga di na kita makausap ngayon eh.. wala na akong mukhang ihaharap sayo....

dibale, hindi mo na ako kailangang makita. marami man akong gustong sabihin, dito ko na lang
ilalagay lahat. sorry talaga.

ayokong isipin kung pano ka mag-rereact dito....

kasi minahal kita....

sana naman matanggap mo na yan diba.... siguro nga, katawa-tawa, kasi hindi mo nadama...
kasi hindi naman akongparamdam diba... sorry talaga.

pero mei magagawa pa ba ako???????????? alam ko namang hindi ako ung taong para sayo.. di ko nga naman sinadya na mapamahal sayo.. tulad nlng na di mo sinadyang ganyan ka kaganda at kabait.... tama ba? o.. di ako nambobola ha. seryoso to. ganyan ka talaga, wala ka nang
magagawa.

hay.. pero okey lng, kasi alam ko namang mas masaya ka sa piling ng iba... kaysa namang mapunta ka saken, pero di k nman matutuwa... ay teka. babawiin ko lang yung sinabi ko kanina
ha: kung saan ka masaya, yun ang hindi ko makakaya.... mniwala ka sana!

alam mo ba, matagal na panahon na rin ng tinamaan ako nyang katotohanan na yan... di rin
kadali ung pagtanggap ko dun... kaya eto... sinubukan ko nang kalimutan ka, para wala nang
panggulo sa buhay mo... mind you, effective yata sya.... nakalimutan ko nga na bertdey mo
nung isang araw eh! (sorry talaga...) pero habang sinusulat ko ito..... grabe, hinabol yata
ako bigla ng mga alaala mo.... hindi ko maiiwasan, pero sa huli ako ang luhaan...

ang sakit talaga ng katotohanan.

edi yon, hanggang sa dumating sa punto na naisip kong dapat na akong lumayo sayo.. ginulo ko lang ang buhay mo. eh hindi ko nga alam kung sino ba ako sayo, o kung nagkalugar man lang ako sa isip mo diba? pero, gusto kong malaman mo na, naging napakahalaga mo sa akin... hindi mo man nadama, o napansin man lang...

kaya nga ako sumusulat sayo ngayon eh... kasi naging ganun ka na kalapit sa puso ko.

sana mapatawad mo ako na hindi ko ito nasabi sayo, dahil kagaya ng sabi ko kanina, wala na
nga akong mukhang ihaharap sayo....

sorry talaga, namimiss lang po kita....

hindi ko alam kung ito na lang ang sasabihin ko sayo, kasi baka huling pagkakataon ko nang
sabihin sayo ang lahat ng ito, kahit sa sulat... basta. kung sakaling wala ka nang
matakbuhan, andito pa rin ako... maghihintay sayo... maniwala ka sana...

siguro hanggang dito na lang.
ngiti ka lagi ha, mas maganda ka pag ganun...
ingatz po..
God bless.... at good luck sa buhay mo. (",)

mula sa isang taong nagmahal sayo....

[pangalan ko! yaki kc pg linagay ko tlga eh. di ko nman linagay kung kanino tlga ito addressed.....]

jet lagged

2005-02-06T21:24:00.000+08:00

n. fatigue and disorientation from long flight: an internal physical disturbance experienced
by air travelers on flights across different time zones.
[Microsoft® Encarta® Reference Library 2003. © 1993-2002 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.]
read that again. i'll rewrite it in my terms:
n. a state of mind in which one kills time by making it run faster.
there. sorry nga pala, ngayon lng ulet aq ngpost... yan ang dahilan.
para kasing napag-iwanan na ko ng panahon....
even though i tried everything to catch up with our old grandpa clock.....
ganito nagsimula lahat ng yan..
kasi diba latecomer ako? an established one, to be precise.
tapos ung adviser namen tinakot ako na pag na-late pa ulet aq... mei contract na ko sa kanya
til the end of my time in quesci...
ngayon, ayaw ko namang mangyari yun...
kaya inadjust q ung lahat ng orasan within the vicinity of our household to 30 minutes
advanced.
y'know what, effective sya......
pero, parang naapektuhan buong sambayanan dito....
i mean, napipilitan lahat gumising ng mas maaga kung saan di nman kelangan.....
tignan nyo. ang oras tlga ay 9:22 as of now.
ang oras sa computer na to ay 9:33 (di pa pala adjusted....)
tapos ung main clock nmen 9:52.....
di ko alam. pero ganun pala kahirap paglaruan ang panahon...........
anyways, i read this book entitled "The Dilbert Future" by Scott Adams....
he's the artist behind Dilbert...
but i didn't know he had more than crazy business ideas aside from what i see in the daily
news........
there was this theory he presented which was against the modern perception of human
society......
"Information in the present can change the past."
fine. read that again, until you get his point.
oh.. how i wish it was true........
*sabihin nio saken pg di nio nagets ah...
at this very moment i am running against time, all the while i've perceived that i'm going
with the flow.....
what if time really ran backwards.....???
i know, i know.. you'd think of this as rubbish. i do.
but i find it strangely compelling.....
well, you can forget about this. but i'll never be late for school again. :P
(",) please bear with me. (",)

ulyanin...

2005-02-01T20:20:00.000+08:00

"sorry, nakalimutan ko talaga!"
sa lahat ng pwedeng makalimutan, yun pa.
hindi ung assignment ko.
hindi ung baon ko.
nakalimutan ko na merong isang araw na mahalaga para sa isang tao.....
at hindi ko sya nabati.....
kaya pala di rin ako nabati dati eh...
kinarma lang ako...
ngayon binabagabag na ko ng konsensya ko.
ang sakit eh.
isipin mo kay tagal mong minahal ung taong yun, tapos dahil lang sa mga hindi maiiwasang pangyayari....
makakalimutan mo na naging ganun sya kaimportante sayo???
hindi ko alam kung anong nararamdaman nya ngayon.
siguro ayos lng sya. kasi di na yata nya aq kilala.
pero dahil yun sa wala na akong mukhang ihaharap sa kanya.
ang saklap. bakit ganiri ang pag-ibig???
bakit laging may nasasaktan?? may umuuwing luhaan???
teka. itigil na to.
di ko na mababago yun. di ko na mababago ung katotohanan na...
minahal ko sya at naging ganun sya kahalaga sakin... na namimiss ko n sya...
na gusto ko syang makausap, kahit kailan...
na maghihintay pa rin ako.... kung sakali man.....
gusto kong matanggap nya itong mga bagay na to.
pero nasan ka na ngayon??? nasa mga bisig ng iba....
pero dun ka masaya. sige. bahala ka... suportahan nlng kita...
kahit na yun ang hindi ko makayanan.

doubt-cast shadow

2005-01-31T20:58:00.000+08:00

argh. am i making the worst decision ever in my life?

all day i've been mind-boggled and hampered....

someone needs to knock me back to my senses. NOW.

well, to start with, the four aces.... means yes. (you'll know what i mean.)

and this thing's about me.

about my feelings.

about who i am.

curious to know myself more, i pursued for the question...

and i really wish i didn't. it's just horrible.

yet, i never realized until that moment in time...

that i am such a very disoriented person. i thought i wasn't. it didn't show..

until the question buzzed through my mind................ again and again.....

"you're serious? you've let go?????"

"should i take it seriously?"

"what's the real score?....."

argh. this is terrible. yet...... and yet......

i've fallen for someone.... and i told her that... in the wrong time, i think......

i wasn't sure. yet i assured. dream on, me idiot.

i was in doubt. yet i assumed. dream on, me idiot.

what the hell was i thinking about then???

conscience speaking: fine. admit it, gab. you like her.

friend relaying: just let it flow.. who knows?

another friend: SHE LIKES YOU!

stop me. DREAM ON.

speaking of dreams... i dreamt about this. thursday. FOUR ACES.....

damn. i'm dazed....

i should have thought about it. i needed time...

and i badly need it now. it's time to be streetsmart...

but..... who needs smarty if you're in love? he doesn't matter anyway.

but.. am i in love??

or am i blinded by the great illusion of reality??

alas. alas. alas. alas.....

take me away, from the concerns of truth....

and bring me to a paradise of nothingness....

let time pass by... and leave my nerve-wracked mind alone!!!!!!!!

going against the flow...

2005-01-29T21:41:00.000+08:00

just being myself again....

why do i always uphold views different from the normal 98% of the population (percent's a guess)???????

they say 2% is the percentile of weird people...

am i one of them???

it's just... strange.....

i'm just, being myself... learning whatever that comes and goes...

acquiring knowledge... and creating my lifetime philosophy...

which at first i thought was very compelling....

but, no...

it's just a fact that people talk more than they listen.. let alone comprehend...

[which is why the combined size of our earholes is smaller than the mouth hole.... (a thought which doesn't make any sense, yet strangely appalling) - scott adams, the dilbert future]

which lead to other complications, like world war and terrorism....

anyways, that's off the mark....

one thing is that whatever i believe in is what i believe in; no changing it.

my foundation's untenable, heralded as strong and built on quarry rock. (kidding aside..)

still.. i am who i am... whatever you say can't change me... unless you break the barrier between this lone soul and the big society....

yes. the drama's there. figure it out. i'm a man of mystery.

do you really know me?

or you shut your eyes up from this nobody?

well think again. you're missing a lot. (joking.)

[i'll try to catch up.... i plan to make daily entries....]

brainstormed....

2005-01-26T20:10:00.000+08:00

whattaday. i'm all worn out.
even flexing my fingers to type requires such horrendous effort.
my nerves seem to be malfunctioning- they're like - dead...
i guess i'll be needing three things:
one, eight hours of sleep. it's a long time since i had one. (oh when was the last time..)
yes it's noticeable, every now and then the junk splatters in my mind:
"hey look, he's got big eyebags! and see those zits? hahaha!"
argh. eyebags. which reminds me:
number two: my glasses. i miss them.
seriously, i'm having a hard time without the 75-degree pair of spectacles.
early in the morning i get dizzy; later in math time i sleep.
the cycle goes on.....
and lastly:
i'll need a drop box in which i pour out all the jampacked data blitzes in my mind;
hey i'm crushed. there's lot to think about.
recently there's this whizzing, buzzing, and popping out of still thoughts about anything.
then poof! they evaporate as quick as they flick a lightbulb in the darkness.
maybe not; rather, all those were transported into a secret chamber of the brain, which already lays forgotten....
alas! how do i manage. HOW??? how do i endure them all??
the demoralizing taunts infecting like poison through my bloodstream?
the sarcastic laughter echoing all over the weary soul?
the thick needle pricked in my pin-cushion heart???
ohh i need help. i'm drained.

nalilito...

2005-01-25T20:28:00.000+08:00

hay. ang araw na to. nkakaloka.
kahapon, di sya nakita. kanina, nakasalubong lang sa canteen.

nothing really exciting....

teka. ano ba pakialam nya sa buhay ko?
di ba, "kinalimutan ko na sya!" ????

hay. mali. nag-assume lang ako.
na-realize ko lang na... miss ko na sya....

kung pwede lang sabihin....
pero, ang layo nyaaaaaa........

haha. labo noh. [ang layo mo!!]

kaya kong isigaw sa buong mundong "sawa na ko sa kanya."
pero.... sa kaloob-looban.... "nasaan ka naaaaaa???"

waaaa. di ko mapigil toh.
MAHAL PA RIN KITA!!!!!!!!

(ano ung sinabi ko??? waaaa!)

hay. tama na nga. wala na to eh.
baket ako ngkakaganito di ko alam. basta. nsabi ko na.

love song for no one...

2005-01-24T19:33:00.000+08:00

the first time i met this lovely angel face
was quite unimportant, let alone thrilling
not really compelling; thus i turned back away
never came to my mind that she's that impelling

days passed by, and nights of great cause
i got to know the very person more...
though not yet impressed, we always give some hies
every now and then, flashing sly and thoughtful smiles

i confessed to myself, "i like this girl,
but in her heart she's happy in some else's rimes..."
so quick to say, yet quicker to let go
the thought once appaling left my peaceful soul

time goes along, and so do the gleers we
growing closer to each other, yet aware of most things
till later, in deep thought, i had realized
my heart's captivated, my soul's on the rise!

once friends grow more intimate, perceptions change
reality shows the true colors of its phase
she knew, i knew, or so we thought
being meant for each other was destiny-wrought

holding her hand, and her clasping mine
side by side we walked through the sunlight's shine
happy i was, being with her after 'noon
pouring our souls, loving each other- more.

yet things do come, and things stop and go...
we came to understood, this was just, wrong....s
o hard to accept, too grimy to forget
we let our tears explain our defts

now does she know me? or even happen to see
the misery that once, was full of joy and gaiety
though grinning when in company of friends
as our eyes meet, they stop and exchange glares

ha! dare think love's that simple
which seeks for a moment's intimidation
then after moons leave and be bygones
your affection slips, and poof! all done.

ha! you think skin-deep beauty only results good
think again, my dear lady, and watch this miser
screaming all his pain, but no one understood
behold! the one you loved, now in deathlike trifles!

alas! words are not always meant as said
and fringing actions not the human's stead
but: look in my eyes, and know it all
my love for you's not hindered by sorrow

through thick and thin, in threshold's end
i'm waiting here, expecting nil and vain
never done unwary, hoping you'd concede
that i, to this end, has loved you still.

stress alert

2005-01-23T22:41:00.000+08:00

i'm tired out. enough said..
today was a most uneventful day; though uneventful might not be right.
to show proof, i am writing this by 10:16 in the evening.
and to add spice to the appetizer, i'm supposed to be at school 6:30.
[6:30! horrible. all because of not being who you really are.
whatever. qcshs (rshs-ncr) has turned into a bunch of wackos.
anyway, we have to arrive six-thirthy sharp due to some pack of provincial motorcaders who we are about to accomodate-
at the expense of our own comfort, that is.
alas! taken out of my dearest chair for a week. i'll miss it...
i'll miss running up and down four floors, eight flights of stairs, 96 footsteps, 5 laps daily...
but - so much for that. tomorrow has enough worries of its own.
(of course not. i don't wanna have that contract which states that "from this day there on, i, gabriel de leon, shall come to school promptly every day and for the rest of my term; violation of any cause shall commence to any severe punishment the authorities implement. signed..."; awh. that sucks.)
well. so much for tomorrow.]
to sum up my un-event-full day....
i woke up 7:05 this sunday morning.... unnatural. i wake up nine, for starters.
i took a bath 40 minutes later. strange....
all these stuff drives me crazy; knowing that i pulled my ass up from my comfort zone due to sum "dear great" research proposals, courtesy of qcshs (rshs-ncr). yes, demanding. yes, insane. all because a bunch of similar wackos are going upstage to spread fabricated qualities of highly idiosyncratic and sort of unnecessary equipment. hey, watch me; i might be stepping out of line, but that's what i think.
though i had all that in mind, i still didn't manage to arrive at the pit stop in the arranged time; i arrived 26 minutes later. good thing is, i'm not alone.....
and then, arriving at our research depot... without my glasses (crushed into 3 pieces by a dear friend), i was assigned to formulate, interpret, and typewrite the same kind of highly idiosycnratic and unnecessary information mentioned earlier. ahh.... five (five!) grueling hours of strenuous staring and rhythmic (?) motion of eyes, wrists and fingers... all i heard was, clink-clink-clink progressively and click-click.
what made me give up was looking at my back; what a sight. five hours i typed, smashed, and read without rest; five hours they lie down, peek a bit, write something, pass a note to the unfortunate typist, and sit down, holding pandesal and coke like it was everyday....
yes; those five grueling hours are over, you might say; yet it brings a lot of tension into this fragile guy. please accept my apologies.
i arrive home 4:15 pm. whew. i need sleep... i need it. then i meet my ever-present mom, telling me to take a haircut. so take a haircut i do....
half of the time there i had my eyes closed, aware that the guy's shaving my head to my disgust; old man told me my hair's a bit malaligned; i told him "please, do whatever's necessary"....
and so he did. i wish i didn't take a haircut.
at last, i go home... i thought i'd sleep now.....
then a thought came in my mind- go online. like i always do.
unable to resist the temptation, i gave in again. yes. i gave in, as usual; and i wish i didn't... again....
there goes my research mate: copy-pasting the materials.... the text.. argh. this is life.. isn't it?
now let's look on the bright side. i was able to create this blogsheet, because of life's hard tasks... i needed a break- i found it. or so the old saying goes, veni, vidi, vici...... just kidding.
good night now; i need to shine my shoes. (damn.)
nyt y'all.......