doubt-cast shadow

argh. am i making the worst decision ever in my life?

all day i've been mind-boggled and hampered....

someone needs to knock me back to my senses. NOW.

well, to start with, the four aces.... means yes. (you'll know what i mean.)

and this thing's about me.

about my feelings.

about who i am.

curious to know myself more, i pursued for the question...

and i really wish i didn't. it's just horrible.

yet, i never realized until that moment in time...

that i am such a very disoriented person. i thought i wasn't. it didn't show..

until the question buzzed through my mind................ again and again.....

"you're serious? you've let go?????"

"should i take it seriously?"

"what's the real score?....."

argh. this is terrible. yet...... and yet......

i've fallen for someone.... and i told her that... in the wrong time, i think......

i wasn't sure. yet i assured. dream on, me idiot.

i was in doubt. yet i assumed. dream on, me idiot.

what the hell was i thinking about then???

conscience speaking: fine. admit it, gab. you like her.

friend relaying: just let it flow.. who knows?

another friend: SHE LIKES YOU!

stop me. DREAM ON.

speaking of dreams... i dreamt about this. thursday. FOUR ACES.....

damn. i'm dazed....

i should have thought about it. i needed time...

and i badly need it now. it's time to be streetsmart...

but..... who needs smarty if you're in love? he doesn't matter anyway.

but.. am i in love??

or am i blinded by the great illusion of reality??

alas. alas. alas. alas.....

take me away, from the concerns of truth....

and bring me to a paradise of nothingness....

let time pass by... and leave my nerve-wracked mind alone!!!!!!!!

going against the flow...

just being myself again....

why do i always uphold views different from the normal 98% of the population (percent's a guess)???????

they say 2% is the percentile of weird people...

am i one of them???

it's just... strange.....

i'm just, being myself... learning whatever that comes and goes...

acquiring knowledge... and creating my lifetime philosophy...

which at first i thought was very compelling....

but, no...

it's just a fact that people talk more than they listen.. let alone comprehend...

[which is why the combined size of our earholes is smaller than the mouth hole.... (a thought which doesn't make any sense, yet strangely appalling) - scott adams, the dilbert future]

which lead to other complications, like world war and terrorism....

anyways, that's off the mark....

one thing is that whatever i believe in is what i believe in; no changing it.

my foundation's untenable, heralded as strong and built on quarry rock. (kidding aside..)

still.. i am who i am... whatever you say can't change me... unless you break the barrier between this lone soul and the big society....

yes. the drama's there. figure it out. i'm a man of mystery.

do you really know me?

or you shut your eyes up from this nobody?

well think again. you're missing a lot. (joking.)

[i'll try to catch up.... i plan to make daily entries....]

brainstormed....

whattaday. i'm all worn out.
even flexing my fingers to type requires such horrendous effort.
my nerves seem to be malfunctioning- they're like - dead...
i guess i'll be needing three things:
one, eight hours of sleep. it's a long time since i had one. (oh when was the last time..)
yes it's noticeable, every now and then the junk splatters in my mind:
"hey look, he's got big eyebags! and see those zits? hahaha!"
argh. eyebags. which reminds me:
number two: my glasses. i miss them.
seriously, i'm having a hard time without the 75-degree pair of spectacles.
early in the morning i get dizzy; later in math time i sleep.
the cycle goes on.....
and lastly:
i'll need a drop box in which i pour out all the jampacked data blitzes in my mind;
hey i'm crushed. there's lot to think about.
recently there's this whizzing, buzzing, and popping out of still thoughts about anything.
then poof! they evaporate as quick as they flick a lightbulb in the darkness.
maybe not; rather, all those were transported into a secret chamber of the brain, which already lays forgotten....
alas! how do i manage. HOW??? how do i endure them all??
the demoralizing taunts infecting like poison through my bloodstream?
the sarcastic laughter echoing all over the weary soul?
the thick needle pricked in my pin-cushion heart???
ohh i need help. i'm drained.

nalilito...

hay. ang araw na to. nkakaloka.
kahapon, di sya nakita. kanina, nakasalubong lang sa canteen.

nothing really exciting....

teka. ano ba pakialam nya sa buhay ko?
di ba, "kinalimutan ko na sya!" ????

hay. mali. nag-assume lang ako.
na-realize ko lang na... miss ko na sya....

kung pwede lang sabihin....
pero, ang layo nyaaaaaa........

haha. labo noh. [ang layo mo!!]

kaya kong isigaw sa buong mundong "sawa na ko sa kanya."
pero.... sa kaloob-looban.... "nasaan ka naaaaaa???"

waaaa. di ko mapigil toh.
MAHAL PA RIN KITA!!!!!!!!

(ano ung sinabi ko??? waaaa!)

hay. tama na nga. wala na to eh.
baket ako ngkakaganito di ko alam. basta. nsabi ko na.

love song for no one...

the first time i met this lovely angel face
was quite unimportant, let alone thrilling
not really compelling; thus i turned back away
never came to my mind that she's that impelling

days passed by, and nights of great cause
i got to know the very person more...
though not yet impressed, we always give some hies
every now and then, flashing sly and thoughtful smiles

i confessed to myself, "i like this girl,
but in her heart she's happy in some else's rimes..."
so quick to say, yet quicker to let go
the thought once appaling left my peaceful soul

time goes along, and so do the gleers we
growing closer to each other, yet aware of most things
till later, in deep thought, i had realized
my heart's captivated, my soul's on the rise!

once friends grow more intimate, perceptions change
reality shows the true colors of its phase
she knew, i knew, or so we thought
being meant for each other was destiny-wrought

holding her hand, and her clasping mine
side by side we walked through the sunlight's shine
happy i was, being with her after 'noon
pouring our souls, loving each other- more.

yet things do come, and things stop and go...
we came to understood, this was just, wrong....s
o hard to accept, too grimy to forget
we let our tears explain our defts

now does she know me? or even happen to see
the misery that once, was full of joy and gaiety
though grinning when in company of friends
as our eyes meet, they stop and exchange glares

ha! dare think love's that simple
which seeks for a moment's intimidation
then after moons leave and be bygones
your affection slips, and poof! all done.

ha! you think skin-deep beauty only results good
think again, my dear lady, and watch this miser
screaming all his pain, but no one understood
behold! the one you loved, now in deathlike trifles!

alas! words are not always meant as said
and fringing actions not the human's stead
but: look in my eyes, and know it all
my love for you's not hindered by sorrow

through thick and thin, in threshold's end
i'm waiting here, expecting nil and vain
never done unwary, hoping you'd concede
that i, to this end, has loved you still.

stress alert

i'm tired out. enough said..
today was a most uneventful day; though uneventful might not be right.
to show proof, i am writing this by 10:16 in the evening.
and to add spice to the appetizer, i'm supposed to be at school 6:30.
[6:30! horrible. all because of not being who you really are.
whatever. qcshs (rshs-ncr) has turned into a bunch of wackos.
anyway, we have to arrive six-thirthy sharp due to some pack of provincial motorcaders who we are about to accomodate-
at the expense of our own comfort, that is.
alas! taken out of my dearest chair for a week. i'll miss it...
i'll miss running up and down four floors, eight flights of stairs, 96 footsteps, 5 laps daily...
but - so much for that. tomorrow has enough worries of its own.
(of course not. i don't wanna have that contract which states that "from this day there on, i, gabriel de leon, shall come to school promptly every day and for the rest of my term; violation of any cause shall commence to any severe punishment the authorities implement. signed..."; awh. that sucks.)
well. so much for tomorrow.]
to sum up my un-event-full day....
i woke up 7:05 this sunday morning.... unnatural. i wake up nine, for starters.
i took a bath 40 minutes later. strange....
all these stuff drives me crazy; knowing that i pulled my ass up from my comfort zone due to sum "dear great" research proposals, courtesy of qcshs (rshs-ncr). yes, demanding. yes, insane. all because a bunch of similar wackos are going upstage to spread fabricated qualities of highly idiosyncratic and sort of unnecessary equipment. hey, watch me; i might be stepping out of line, but that's what i think.
though i had all that in mind, i still didn't manage to arrive at the pit stop in the arranged time; i arrived 26 minutes later. good thing is, i'm not alone.....
and then, arriving at our research depot... without my glasses (crushed into 3 pieces by a dear friend), i was assigned to formulate, interpret, and typewrite the same kind of highly idiosycnratic and unnecessary information mentioned earlier. ahh.... five (five!) grueling hours of strenuous staring and rhythmic (?) motion of eyes, wrists and fingers... all i heard was, clink-clink-clink progressively and click-click.
what made me give up was looking at my back; what a sight. five hours i typed, smashed, and read without rest; five hours they lie down, peek a bit, write something, pass a note to the unfortunate typist, and sit down, holding pandesal and coke like it was everyday....
yes; those five grueling hours are over, you might say; yet it brings a lot of tension into this fragile guy. please accept my apologies.
i arrive home 4:15 pm. whew. i need sleep... i need it. then i meet my ever-present mom, telling me to take a haircut. so take a haircut i do....
half of the time there i had my eyes closed, aware that the guy's shaving my head to my disgust; old man told me my hair's a bit malaligned; i told him "please, do whatever's necessary"....
and so he did. i wish i didn't take a haircut.
at last, i go home... i thought i'd sleep now.....
then a thought came in my mind- go online. like i always do.
unable to resist the temptation, i gave in again. yes. i gave in, as usual; and i wish i didn't... again....
there goes my research mate: copy-pasting the materials.... the text.. argh. this is life.. isn't it?
now let's look on the bright side. i was able to create this blogsheet, because of life's hard tasks... i needed a break- i found it. or so the old saying goes, veni, vidi, vici...... just kidding.
good night now; i need to shine my shoes. (damn.)
nyt y'all.......